Why, to some employers, is family a dirty word?

Should employers really expect people to put them before loved ones?

Shouldn’t we be allowed a work/life balance without there being a cost to careers?

 

Since covid I have struggled with my mental health, like so many people, it got the better of me being in lockdown.  Things I could easily bite my tongue about or just ignore and get on with it, I couldn’t anymore and I would say I am a different person because of that experience.

 

One of the things that also happened in that time is the company I had been quite happily working for, for a very long time, showed their true colours to me and I saw them in a light I hadn’t previously noticed.  That was basically that they do not give two hoots about their employees.  While the news was reporting businesses sending their employees home to work which would not only protect them, but in turn protect the business so it would keep running.  Makes sense, right?

 

The company I worked for was sending emails round telling us that we would not be working from home!  It was only when lockdown happened that they couldn’t do anything about it….or could they?  They got even their office staff key worker status to try and keep people in the office, even though the jobs could be done from home.  For me I found this to be immoral, expecting people to use valued childcare places under the guise of a key worker, which could take the place of an actual key or front line worker.

 

Then I thought back to how I had been promised a promotion when I returned from maternity leave, however when I did return that promotion wasn’t there any longer…. Hmmmm sounds a little like discrimination to me.

 

As the years have gone by I have noticed more and more how much the managers treat certain staff differently from others.  This, however, was something I started to experience myself last year and it continues now.

 

In the past I have been more than willing to go above and beyond for the company, once I cancelled a days holiday to go on training as it was the only day everyone else could make.  Many times on a day off at home I have been willing to log on and submit a report that no one could cover as it was due when I was off.  Even took a call while on my honeymoon from the manager of the department who, if they had thought about it, could of looked at a previous month instead of ringing me on my honeymoon.  I didn’t make a complaint about it, I was happy to answer the question.

 

The area I work in started to expand which was great and it was more stable environment with all the work coming in.  It also mean that there were more opportunities coming in, and it was only when a new starter asked why I wasn’t a controller, that I clicked I wasn’t even being considered for the roles.  Now I was taken on into the department to do some controller duties, but the business I did this for was sold, therefore I was just admin based.  When I asked my manager why I wasn’t being considered, the reply I had was that it was because I do not have any qualifications…….20 years’ experience, but not bits of paper backing that up!  So I agreed that I would study, even though I am getting on a bit and have a busy life, because I would of liked to progress.

 

Hadn’t even started studying, nothing even booked, and I was approached about taking on a controller role.  I was informed it was a big step up and very important due to some of the managers level that were in the headcount.  Also I was then told I don’t need to study if I don’t want to, the opposite as to why I wasn’t being considered at first. However, I was so excited for the opportunity and challenge of the new role, I mentioned about job title and pay and was told this was being reviewed by HR.  Now, generally when you are offered a new job the pay and title are worked out prior to the offer being made.  I should of known with this company that they are against the employee completely.

 

I started training with the person who was currently in the role.  When this person was on site to do training for me, they would keep wondering off so I would end up stuck and felt that it was all very patchy.  There was even one occasion with this person where they were coming to site for training, that to make the most of this I booked my child into afterschool care (cost to me) so I wouldn’t have to dash off for the school run, however I did say I would have to leave about 4pm at the latest.  So the training person knew this but went into a meeting from 1.30pm to 3.30pm, meaning that no training was completed that afternoon and I wasted my money as I could of just finished my normal time for the school run.  This person did not give a crap about the inconvenience and expense they had caused me.  Again I just took it rather than making any formal complaints.

 

I had been doing the role pretty much solo, with some patchy training, for a month (but started training just under two months before), when I asked my manager how the review was going into my job title and pay.  She got very snotty with me saying that if I didn’t want to do the job it could be given to someone, who at that time, was on a temporary contract.  So this job that was meant to be a big step up and very important could be done by someone who was not even fully employed by the company….nice…..cheers for that!  So off I went feeling confused, annoyed and a bit upset.

 

I started coming in very early to try and keep up with the work load of the new role, as it was enough for full time hours.  I worked part time and was also still doing my work I was already doing, so I was technically trying to manage a workload for equivalent of one fill time and one part time employee on part time hours!

 

I could feel myself becoming more and more frazzled, I was already questioning my role in life after the death of a close friend.  Then being treated like I was in the department was a massive thing for me, the running of hot and cold towards me, the difference between supportive and very much not supportive was making me dizzy and really took its toll on me.  I went to my manager and admitted that the workload was too much for me to handle on my hours after trying to do it for 3 months.  I was absolutely gutted about it as I had been enjoying the work and responsibility to start with.  Worth noting that is now two promotions that have not happened. 

 

So as it turned out the person they hired to do a different, smaller job, would take of my role and I would take theirs which could be easily done with the work I already had.  I kept thinking how is this person coping when I couldn’t, am I really that crap!?!  Then I thought, hang on, they work full time and just have that role to do.  I work part time and still had my other work to do!  Started to feel like I had been set up to fail.

 

The new smaller role, every time I asked for help on it, people weren’t interested and I was really struggling with taking it over and was feeling a failure and overwhelmed still.

 

Twice my manager called me into the office as there had been complaints about how I had spoken to people.  The first one I get as I probably was abrupt out of frustration as the person wasn’t really listening to what I was trying to say, I did apologies to that person loudly in the office.  The second one really upset me as it was apparently towards the lady I sat opposite, but I had spoken to myself, getting annoyed at myself and not her.  In both cases I think it was that they went to my manager and didn’t come to me about it.  It felt like someone was out to get me, which I know wasn’t the case, but it would have been nice to of approached me and not my manager.  It also made me think the amount of times my manager has been abrupt with me, that maybe people need to harden up a little.  Anyway it was the last one that was the last straw for me, I was so upset by it.

 

I ended up having a breakdown, crying on the phone to a GP as I couldn’t keep holding on any longer.  Never wished myself harm, and would never of harmed myself, but definitely wished I could just run away from my life and disappear forever.  This resulted in me being signed off work to try and catch my breath and find some happiness.  I tried to do this as I just wanted to get back to my normal routine, which included back to work.  I was unable to achieve it without medication as every time I thought about work, I would feel anxious and really down.

 

When I was going to be coming back to the office, I was feeling very anxious about it due to what had happened when I was in the office.  Not only the accusations of the way I spoke to a couple of people but the fact that this office had been the cause of my break down. I asked if I could stagger my return to the office.  My request was to work in the office one day and at home the rest for one week.  Then week two up it to two days in the office and 3 at home.  Week 3 was increasing again the number of days in the office to 3 days in and then 2 at home.  This then took me up to the Christmas period so I would then return back to the office as normal after Christmas.  This I believed would help reduce how I felt by introducing me slowly to the office.  My perfectly reasonable suggestion was declined due to a no working from home policy.  Instead they offered my two weeks at reduced hours but in the office every day.  Every day I felt sick but managed to push myself through it.  When I questioned at a later date, why someone else in the office was allowed to hybrid work for MONTHS and yet I was declined for just 3 weeks, the reply I received was that I didn’t go through my doctor.  How bad is that!  I told my employer I wanted to get back to normal, that I this is what I needed to help me do that and it was declined just because I hadn’t asked my GP to ask them to allow it.

 

I then was very frustratingly off for two weeks in the January with a chest infection.  When I say chest infection I couldn’t get out of bed for over a week.  My husband was very worried and thought I would end up in hospital.  Two rounds of antibiotics to get rid of it and I completely lost my voice for a month from all the coughing.

 

Then there were little things that happened when I returned.  There was going to be a phone meeting regarding an aspect of my job.  My voice was a whisper and that hurt to do that, yet my manager hadn’t intended to join the meeting until I asked.  She then said that I would have to do the talking!!!!!!!  I couldn’t believe she had said that when I couldn’t even talk, it was basically because she didn’t really want to be involved with it at all.  To be fair when we got on the call she did do all the talking, so I am guessing she must of realised she was being extremely unfair.  However this attitude towards me from this manager is the normal and she treats me differently from the rest of the team.  Two other team members have noticed this as well, so I am happy that I am not being over sensitive.

 

Then my short term absence had triggered a stage 1 review due to the chest infection.  It was blatantly obvious I had been very ill and yet my Manager suggested I had been absent on purpose as it was year end reporting.  However, I had offered to log on at home BECAUSE it was year end reporting.  I was told if I am not well enough to be in the office, I am not well enough to work at home. I was relieved about this as I really wasn’t well enough to work, but the implication that I was off on purpose was disgusting when you had offered to work from my sick bed.  Also they kept telling me, with regards to my low term absence for the breakdown,  I was stressed and I kept telling them it was depression and anxiety, even had to ask them to amend it in a letter.    Also the main focus of the meeting seemed to be my long term absence for my mental health, and not the short term as I was told it would be.  I sat in a room with my manager and HR rep at one end of the table and me the other.  So you tell me how I can tell them, in that environment, that 100% the company and my manager where the reason I had a breakdown.  I had to say other things that wouldn’t of helped, such as losing a dear friend to cancer, but were not what set off the relapse. 

 

I had a meeting with occupational health and not only did she agree I had been struggling but also that I had been discriminated against for having a mental health problem and not a physical one.  HR asked her to change the diagnosis on her report to show that I wasn’t depressed or suffering from anxiety.  She refused and made me aware that they had asked to do this. 

Since all this my manager has continued to treat me different to other members of the team and not in a supportive way.  In fact it makes me feel like she is hoping I will leave if she keeps on at me all the time and I definitely feel like I am under a microscope.  Again it has been noticed by others and even one colleague mentioned it to the manager, that it always seems to be myself.  Example of this is that I owe a lot of hours as I am studying, so I have to make the time up for my classrooms I attend.  One week I was just 15 min off making up an hour to knock off the hours I owed.  So I only had half a lunch break on the Friday to make that time up.  That afternoon, which I didn’t see until I was back in the office on the Monday, my manager emailed me saying that she had changed it to a full lunch break as I have to book that time.  So I replied ok I will change my start time to allow for that 15 min.  She replied, copying in HR, that please could I change it back I cannot do that. They told me that for every 6 hours worked you HAVE to take at least a 20 min break.  So not only did she get HR involved unnecessarily, she could of left that between us so I had made that time up, but she chose to be in my opinion a cow about it.  Even by the law I was only 5 min short of being within the 20 minutes.  So all of that for time I was trying to make back to the company of what was effectively 5 minutes.

 

Also with regards to my study, even though it had been agreed with HR, twice when I was trying to book units, my manager tried to hold off authorising it.  First time was the last unit in the level as she said why pay for it now, I pointed out that it was my choice to just book a unit at a time, usually you would pay it all up front and the cost has been approved.  So she did then approve it.  The second time was the booking of my last exam, I had to wait for the dates to be available before I could.  She didn’t want to approve it in case I failed the exam on the unit before.  Nice, thanks for the vote of confidence.  I pointed out that I can still take that unit and exam even if I do fail the unit before.  Just seemed such ridiculous reasons for not wanting to approve something, and made me feel like there was other reasons for it really.

 

What is really sad is that I have gone from, in my opinion, a hard working conscientious employee who was quite loyal and would put myself out for the company, to someone who hates the company, my job and will only work my hours then go home.  Isn’t that sad that the actions of the business and managers have changed the worker I am.

 

 

 

UPDATE 14th October 2025

 

Nothing like feeling under valued in the workplace is there.

All year I have been trying to better myself, as at one point I was told this is why I am not progressing, and have been studying for a qualification.  I work near on full time with two evening jobs, a child and household.  I have been passing my exams with merit.

As I wanted to continue the momentum, I wanted to book into the next level unit for early 2025.  My employer said not until I have completed my last exam, which is November.  However when I started studying the last unit, I found out the result for the exam will take 6 weeks, instead of being instant as with the other 3.  So I asked my employer if I could book on in light of this delay.  They still said no I had to complete the level.  Then I pointed out I had actually completed the level that was applicable to the next level I wanted to studying, therefore met the criteria.  Their response was “there is no business reason for me to begin this course in January”  So, doesn’t matter that I do not want to lose the momentum that has been doing an older perimenopausal student.  “If I am overlapping training agreements, this is reducing the effectiveness at being successful in completing the course and being effective at work”  Well for starters, I would of completed the level, just waiting for one exam result so this is complete rubbish!  Then it went on that the level I am about to complete is enough for my job, that my role doesn’t really need the next level, as I have previously stated I am not interested in promotional opportunities. Oh and that is not a requirement for the business to pay for my training.

Let’s break that last part down.  My manager and now HR have thrown in my face a few times that I asked to train, they didn’t ask me!!!  The part about promotions, I had to bite my tongue as I can’t afford to lose my job.  Want I wanted to respond with is this.  “The last two times I have tried to be promoted within the company haven’t happened. The first time being when I was returning from maternity to what was meant to be a promotion to manager, that promotion had disappeared to someone who was already a manager.  The second time was when I was given the promotion without ANY changes to job title, pay and workload.  So I was set up to fail given a job that was a full time position on part time hours and keeping the work I was already doing.

Just felt like they didn’t even want me to study, my manager even at point wouldn’t authorise the exam booking in case I failed the unit I was doing!!! Wow lovely vote for confidence when I had already passed two exams.

Again they have take someone who had been loyal and happy and made them HATE their workplace, manager and need medicated just to function every day.  They wonder why my absence has become bad, some days I can’t face it as I think “what is she going to moan at me about today!”.

What is even more sad, a long time ago when I tried to study, I didn’t get on with it at all.  This time not only have I enjoyed it but manged to get on well with it.  Then my work behave like this towards me and really takes away from what I have managed to accomplish.

Hoping for success in a job search